I haven't been here in a while. I don't have a clue what my friend's page looks like. I haven't checked in with the community I was fringe-innally active with before I got so involved with the songwriting contests. I have no idea if anyone is even reading this. 

But I started this journal in 2003 and I can't just leave it lying here going BLAARRRGHHHG while I zip up in my other one. Particularly when I have started sometimes looking in my other journal and going ... hmmmmmm. ... uh ... YEAH....

I remember there being community here, and some safety. I know that things change; but I know that one thing that I can get out of all of this is a DIARY-feel to things. I know that I have become this blogger-this thing. I don't write in my diary anymore. For NaNoWriMo, I wrote this weird combination of memoirs and adventure story that broke down into time travel short story fan-fiction borrow scene switching from my friend's novel that disintegrated into little vignettes of BLEAH! I don't know what will happen to it. It will take massive organization. I have NO idea what to do about tagging. Nothing appeals to me anymore. I have crushing secrets that would kill small villages. I know that everyone thinks this is the case for themselves; but I actually am carrying quite a heavy load and have put some serious shit on myself.

So I'm just going to swish back and forth, hopefully remaining under the radar because usually I am Quite Beyond Notice. I know it can't last forever. Something is bound to crack and shit will hit fans and things will get hairy. But I know that ultimately I'm safe and I'm happy and I'm loved and free and I feel no regret or shame or weirdness about my life. The people I care about know me; and we all have our ducks in a row. And those that love me best - they keep telling me to stop caring so much what other people think so I suppose this is what I must do.

 
There's one more hour for me in MASTERS OF SONG FU. I am in FIRST PLACE which is astounding. I won't be a runoff for the masters, but it would be nice to finish first in last round.

If you are so inclined, there is voting for another 2 hours. I know I don't post much anymore and I suck. It's because I'm in the studio all the time doing THIS


So just go down to the middle of the page and drop in that vote if you don't mind. or just listen to the song. Thanksa!

I got an app that lets me read my friends list on my iPhone. Much mirth&gleefulness followed :)

Posted via Journaler.

I didn't make it to week two in Brigit's Flame, which I FULLY expected, because my entry honked. I am fine with this. I actually made it to a runoff vote. This is damn surprising to me.

Anyway. Here is my "Just for fun" entry for week two. I'm doing all the weeks this time, just on general principle. I'm trying really to get an idea down for something I'm building. So I thought I'd "story" it. And I wanted to keep entering in body part month - because my week one sucked for an unacceptable reason.
( THE CENTER MUST HOLDCollapse )

I am a little concerned about my Brigit's Flame entry. It's pretty frank. I'm usually a person who censors that kind of stuff.

But I didn't on Friday. I got caught off guard.

I'm glad that I got caught off guard on livejournal. I've been blogging on livejournal since 2001. I don't blog much, simply because the whole process confuses and upsets me. I don't like it. I don't like telling people where I am and what I'm doing all the time. I don't think it's their business.

I got caught off guard by a phone call from a person that has given me whiny, stupid trouble for over a decade. It's at the point where people are really sick of hearing about it. I feel he's alienated me from many friends and professional connections. I'm in a social situation with many old friends (who are many of his old and/or current friends) where it's impossible to just walk away and avoid him and never see him again. Awkward.

There is contact, from time to time. For whatever reason. When it's been a while, he initiates it. And while things look completely normal and fine on the surface to everyone else, he says the most messed up and subversive crap to me. Occasionally I tell people about it at dinner, lunch, polite conversation ... Dear God! they say. But it's uncool. Why should I be the one to shit in the salad?

I know this is gross. But I feel that this is about how unattractive I've become to people. That's about the effect that this has all had on my career. I've "started over" from "a writing period" three times.

I'm trying to do things differently now. Trying to put this person at arm's length. Place things under a better spotlight. Lampoon them if need be. Point them out if necessary. Satirize if I must. Cope somehow. If I can't beat, join. Most importantly, realize I will get nothing out of it.

But when it affects something that may well have been work, I have to take a pause.

Brigit's Flame, that's excusable. I can ask not to be edited this week. I already know that my story blows. I've re-read my story and it's terrible. Things were ruined by the phone call. I showed concern at some very real trouble he's having and then, once again, something shitty happened (usually it's something that makes me feel like shoe-dirt). I've had something like this happen before, when I did Song Fu. I was distracted the week before so much that I barely got the song in by deadline. I really didn't do any mastering worth mentioning. The song was barely audible. And this story is barely readable. It sounds like this does right now. A whiny diary entry.

This is going to be the tenor of my entire career if I don't watch it.

In a way, this makes good art. A lot of my songs that deal with this subject are good songs. But this can't be all that I am. This can't be the thing that motivates me to create. And when I look at my material, I see that it isn't. I just get really paranoid sometimes. Especially when these things have a way of popping up right before crunch time ... and I am usually a much more skillful self editor of such things!

Limits girl! Limits...

This is the story for the prompt 'In Step' The language may not be appropriate for minors, or the sensitive. You have been warned!

Just a quick post at philosophywithfries ...

BRIGIT'S FLAME ENTRY for Round 2


( 'Gear'Collapse )

 Banning myself from da'Face was a REALLY good instinct. I popped on to unblock Rock-n-Rolldemort. Because I shouldn't have to block people unless they are actively threatening you with death. It's lame and ridiculous.

I guess it doesn't really matter anyway when you think you're being shunned and ignored and basically you're not, because you end up out for a "friendly coffee" until 3 in the am on a Thursday night with your non-friend.

What the hell am I doing? I am a psychopath. A damned sick person that needs a friggin support group.

So I have given myself hella work to do. Distraction. You know, since the pattern of Text-Ignore-Patheticness-RelationshipFAIL has now commenced. Ulk!

PS. Worst quote of the evening: I am just surrounded by all these dark haired, green-eyed, Scorpio women ... I can't get away from them ... the universe this-that-blah-blah ...

 I'm banned from Facebook, because I have a serious problem. But I'm seriously getting over my serious problem. Seriously. I was so good today. I'm completely and utterly getting stuff done. Yah, yah, yah. Watch me work it, bitches. 

Damn I'm lame ...

Facebook. Where having a passive stalker turns you into an active stalker.