I'm back

(yeah ... like you're all gonna believe THAT)

Perhaps I will backdate some of the entries from my private diary. Or perhaps I will continue to sit here on my tuckus and do nothing since I am so bad at this internet thing.

I'm considering blowing off being a musician again. So many disappointments, it doesn't seem worth it. Will elaborate more than the general stuff later. I'm too happy now. Of course, when I say "blow off being a musician" ... I mean

1. Keep being in the DOC still, but in a really half-ass kind of way because it's fizzling and J-t-Keyboard Player and my drummer are even sicker of it than I am and understand the ethics that you cannot open a bar gig with Otis Redding's 'Dock of the Bay' unless you're one of the contestants on American Idol and that you cannot yell "check, check, check" ... (nevermind ... this T.O.T. is going to piss me off)
2. Really embrace this new band, whatever it's called - since doing so means I'll get to do the AC/DC medley song and other cool Hoobastank/Linkin Park/top 40 things ... and because they like me and want to actually make money
3. Keep writing songs with Senor G ... even though he is not allowed to take gigs Thursday nights, Friday nights, oh ... Saturdays, Mondays ... or pretty much ever, but since the songwriting has been great and I think that 'Identity,' which was written together in less than two hours ... might be a hit
4. Make the 'South Austin Christadelpahin Rock Extravaganza with REAL DRUMS' CD even though we have no money to go into said studio to do 15 song recording ...
5. Keep my two piano students, and try to get more.
6. Still consider playing keyboards at the Anagen CD release party in October since it might be at Stubbs and there could be 500 people there because they have a sexy and devoted street team.
7. Chase up all that session work
8. Go hang out with the conga player from The Brew and try to get session work/lessons going out of that, as well as just getting to learn more latin patterns again, since it has been 600 years since I've been in Brazillian Ensemble.

This is my version of not being a musician anymore. [sigh]

Anyway ... my husband is working from home, which is great fun ... because he routinely does things like play inappropriate clips he has found on fazed or slashdot ... and because he just did a passable impersonation of a sea lion. He says he did this on accident, but this is just the sort of thing that makes my life worth living during times like these.

I am about to go to meet Donut Man to discuss the finished product of our CD, and perhaps playing together again. Of course, we are meeting at Starbucks, which I am trying to wean myself off of. Of course, no judgement on all you die-hard Starbuckians out there, I'm still eating chicken and using gasoline.

Anywho (oh, also, I still say, "anywho")

STOLEN FROM libbyelf

1.Go into your LJ's archives.
2.Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
3.Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4.Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.

I didn't know if this meant "go back 23 posts" or "find your 23rd post" (I think I've seen both versions), so I did both. (Ditto for me ...)

"I have decided two things while I am here" (from an entry on the 23rd of January)
AND
He'll love it. :)

Girl's got a lot on her mind ...

1. Tomorrow I am going to accomplish some things. I will make a list ... within a list
a) I am GOING TO GOING TO GOING TO MAKE THE FREAKIN' BED!!!
b) I am going to address some of the bad patterns in therapy
c) I am going to hold Senior G accountable for the unfinished phone call about his "stuff" and the TCMR (Texas Christadelphian Music Retreat) thing being kind of left hanging.
d) I am going to finish DanceChristian's resume and promo pack stuff. If it kills me. Even tho' he owes me a lesson.
e) I am going to get up early and make sandwiches for mmcalli. Because he loves me and has helped me set up my fabulous computer.
f) It really really really needs to be POETRY TIME!!!
2. I should really take off my makeup. I'm going to look like Tammy Faye in the morning if I don't
3. I need eye cream as well. Also wish they had a cream to make your ears smaller and your eyebrows more normal.
4. No more smoking too much and then singing really loud in the car on the way home.

I can't wait I can't wait I can't wait until Monday.

And... finally ...

5. I'm going to bed. There is no reason to subject anyone to this anymore. Denise out.
6. God, help me ... I made all these promises and am NOT living up to them ...

I got this off of an old entry of nnnslogan's

Here are my results

1. Proclaimers - "500 Miles"
2. Audrey Hepburn - "Moon River"
3. Velvet Underground - "Stephanie Says"
4. Alison Krauss - "Everytime You Say Goodbye"
5. Paul Simon - "Gumboots"
6. Beatles - "Wait"
7. Billy Joel - "Movin' Out (Anthony's Song)"
8. Beatles - "Bad Boy"
9. Nanci Griffith and ??? - "Desperados Waiting for a Train"
10. Weird Al - "My Name is (Darth Vader)"
11. John Jennings Project (I sing with him) - "I've Got So Much To Say"
12. Trapt - "Enigma"
13. Dana Carvey - "Choppin' Broccoli"
14. Paul Simon - "You Can Call Me Al"
15. Beatles - "Don't Let Me Down"
16. Beatles - "Eight Days a Week"
17. Christopher Franke - "Babylon 5: Season 5 theme"
18. Dixie Chicks - "I Can Love You Better"
19. Enya - "Flora's Secret"
20. Madonna - "Frozen"

Okay, obviously I'm back. I do so love to make a grand entrance ... So in true Denise form, here's a list

FIFTEEN THINGS I HAVE OBSERVED TONIGHT
1. Christian, when he tries to put his feet flat on the floor, claims that he has Hobbit feet.
2. Talking to Geno about our relationship finally worked :) No ... stop laughing ... I'm SERIOUS this time ...
3. I cannot write when there is no angst. Why am I the crisis queen?
4. My therapist is impressed with my writing (well, that is not from tonight)
5. Taco Bell WILL come back to getcha, in some form or fashion.
6. Jake, when trying to scratch at the door, noticed something on his paw and licked ... but he DIDN'T STOP SCRATCHING
7. Right now, as he's reading this mmcalli is celebrating my online return. He will soon overwhelm me with stuff to look at.
8. I've been SERIOUSLY neglecting some of you. I'm sorry. :(
9. Rain ... is AWESOME and AWE-*inSPIRING* ... Especially those thunder claps that make your heart jump and make you shriek, even when you know it's coming because the lightning electrified you - you can't help crying out.
10. It's WAY too late for me to be out of bed.
11. I cannot spell "Broccili." I spell checked it once. I'll let this one stick, even if it's wrong.
12. Christian might be staying in town :) :) :)
!#> I CAnnot type anymore< because i was thinking about something and the keys did this sticky thing i don"t know how to turn off> curses!
fourteen. It must have something to do with the shift key.
15. Ahhh ... I fixed it. Now if I could only fix my brain ... :)

G'night. More tomorrow. No ... stop laughing ... I'm SERIOUS this time ...

1. That's it for me. Update, think, write, lists, bed. Two 'o clock, tops.
2. I really need to quit taking everything so seriously. The heavens and the earth are not in a constant battle over me with my brain cells as chess pieces on the "cosmic board."
3. Twenty-five cents says that Mike won't last through the month with the batteries in the bird clock.
4. Fifty-dollars says *I* won't manage one more day without lists [sound of people running from the outstretched hand of my bet]
5. Weekend: Something social Friday (prob'ly Matrix), Saturday brunch, afternoon cleaning and preparing food for tonight/tomorrow, Saturday night class at our house, Sunday morning Sunday school, Meeting, and EATING MEETING (YAY!). After that, I nap or go life weights. This is the plan, anyway.
6. Points will get done tomorrow.
7. The outside of my right foot itches CONTINUALLY.
8. People around here cannot stop hurting me, no matter how hard they don't try.
9. Bedtime lyric: "You know breakdowns come and breakdowns go, so / What're you gonna do about it that's what I'd like to know ... "
10. If I do all my writing this week, it's possible that by the end of the month someone may get a LOVE SCENE ... [wooooo... goes the audience. Then again, they're the same people that hoot whenever Ross and Rachel kissed on Friends. We're all above that, aren't we *furtive guilty look*]

G'night.

The last couple days have been bad and I'm very frustrated. We're at the end of my rope. I distinctly feel that more perfection and just ... doing things right ... is required of me. On so many levels.

1. I don't have time to attend to my own spiritual doubts and needs. I have to be strong - because I have to minister and help, uplift and be a pillar. We don't have clergy, but Mike's the closest thing to it, and I'm his wife. All very unofficial, but painfully obvious if it's gone.
2. I don't have time to be less than anal about the house. We have to have it perfect. Now. That's part of today, I believe. No one can function in here anymore.
3. I have to do writing, or it just spills out of me in a big mess. I have eighty songs going through my head.

I am WAY more committed to a solo thing developing now. Especially now.

I had one of those abusive moments yesterday that you look at afterward and think, "That couldn't have happened! I wasn't just ... that ... no...."

"... not me."

And poor Mike, he doesn't know what to do! How do you protect someone who is a magnet for trouble?

If I keep signing up for this, does that mean that I'm masochistic? In a bad way? In a way that I'm not owning? I worry ...

So I'm going to go downstairs and heat up my old chinese food and eat it upstairs in bed while I sort out some list making. Ah... sweet control. Sweet PDA. My presssssciousssssss.....

"She looked me over and I guess she thought I was alright /
All right in a sort of a limited way for an off night ..."

I'm about to go to bed. I'm in one of those places of discomfort that I can't really articulate well. It's just a general feeling of "ooky-ness," I'm afraid. We're having a business meeting, after Sunday meeting tomorrow. It's not so bad. Usually, there is more strife and controversy at those things, but we all love each other so you never know, stuff might get done.

I'm going to get back on track, soon - here. I'm seriously considering putting points down for each day. We'll see how that goes.

LIST ONE: ROADS I SHOULDN'T GO DOWN
1. Kentucky Fried Chicken. Now I feel bloated and useless. Never order the mac 'n cheese. It is made of mostly plutonium.
2. Late Saturday nights when my EXPRESS intent is to go to Sunday School and I'm NOT feeling energetic enough to stay up late and pull it off because it's been a migraine day.
3. Giving in to the demands of my feline.
4. Not making the bed. This, for me and my touted sense/need for order, is a recipe for catastrophe.
5. Picking the more difficult Chopin nocturne when my current chops are sketchy, at best.
6. Skipping Weight Watcher PDA journal entries for two days, when there is no reason to do so.
7. Not doing anything spiritual for two days and just generally being a crab and a real pisser to be around. [ruing the day]
8. Not vacuuming for, like, an EMBARRASSINGLY long time
9. Not backing up my computer when I've done a bunch of writing. That's REALLY bad.
10. NOT TAKING MY VITAMINS! Bad, bad, Denise ...

Another list?
LIST TWO: Domina
1. Domina is the one in the middle. I have posted this picture before, so I apologize for any inconvenience. The journal is mmcalli's, my husband.
2. Domina has this whiny meow, like the whine of an extremely offended two-year-old. She uses it to manipulate me.
3. But once you let her in, she follows you around in this cute, endearing way. She likes to sleep either in between me and the husband, or right below Mike's feet, lower right-hand corner of the bed.
4. She squeaks and goes "ack" a lot. Very vocal.
5. She always purrs. Loud.
6. Two days ago, when I gave catnip to Jake, Vinny, and Kasimir (in the pic, Kasimir is left, Vinny right) , Domina slept upstairs in Mike's spot. Completely oblivious, missing ALL the fun.
7. Domina has large, glowing, alien eyes. Like the color of electric honey.
8. She never wants attention when I'm having a ciggie on the back porch, but demands it when I'm sitting on the bed with my laptop, working on my book.
9. She enjoys a bit of tuna now and then, and is especially fond of tiny bits of cottage cheese hanging around on the container.
10. I think she might be a person. She's got a lot of attitude, that's for sure.

I think it's time for bed.

Well, I had my first migraine today in a long time. I'm quite certain that I hallucinated, plus I had to go down to sucky campus today to suckily pick up my husband and our well meaning and sweet - but sometimes annoying friend ... after the sucky football game (which we won, but that still sucks).

You have never seen a bigger buh-buh-buh-BEE-atch in your whole life.

( Here's a poem though )
I've also completely failed at my diet, which isn't even a week old. Gee, how strong am I. It's okay, I'll get back on the wagon. Am I asking too much to be beautiful? At this point, I'd almost give up "talented" to be that.

I do feel good about myself! I can think of at least ten things, right?

I WILL NOT HATE ON MYSELF
1. I have a fabulous nose.
2. I can play the piano much better than tolerably well.
3. When I'm into it, I'm a good writer. I'm getting better as well.
4. I am good to all my friends.
5. I'm intensely spiritual. Also kind.
5. I sing songs that I make up myself, and play them as well.
5. Can also count.
Q. And am quite organized.
7. Sardonic wit and razor sharp sense of humor, without being overly cruel ... of course.
8. Cool husband. And the ability to have picked him up in the first place.
9. A fabulous new tattoo.
10. A mind that orients itself toward community and altruism ... all while respecting its own boundaries.

What are 10 things you like about yourself... leave comments ... come on ... :)
______________________________________________________________

ATE: I will never eat fried chicken again :||
WEARING: Green shirt with interesting collar, light blue sleep pants, hair sticks
READING: 6 Wives of Henry VIII, GodelEscherBach, Some blue scifi book about a species call 'mri' that I can never remember the title of
AROUND ME: The husband is downstairs watching something with sirens in it
RESOLUTION: I will never eat fried chicken again [repeat] ... especially if it's Kentucky fried

I am very happy because
1. I just worked out
2. I just came back from Ireland and figured out some things
3. I am about to take a shower so I won't be sore anymore
4. I am NOT doing Tour de Cure next weekend, so there!
5. I am about to pick up Steve- leonidas50 from the airport
6. Christian is asleep downstairs on my couch. A cold soda applied to his left calf will wake him up.

:)

1. When I can't write but feel I should/need to anyway, putting numbers in front of each sentence or two really helps.
2. WEARING: Purple/plaid sleep pants, white t-shirt, sports bra, blue pullover, braid, glasses, and white poofy clog slippers. READING: Finished 9-11 today, and will keep on with Dune or the Chopin biography tonight. COMPANY: Mike's in bed, I'm in my study alone. ATE: 3 chicken tacos, green/beans in picante, and 3 tim tams. I've had nothing else but popcorn and gatorade.
3. Yesterday, I banked points. I rule.
4. I ate a lot for dinner because I threw up all morning and into the afternoon.
5. I would rather do almost anything than throw up, and I become SUCH a whiny-baby when I do get that sick. I think that it was food poisoning. I recommend that if you MUST do IHOP, that you stick with only the breakfast menu. Apparently they are NOT the International House of Turkey Sandwiches.
6. The Fifth Element (which I saw tonight) has a certain charm, but I really was looking for something more serious. The soundtrack DID agree with me though, as did the abs of every major character.
7. Jared called tonight about going to see a movie (Old School- don't be offended Steve, plus, I heard you saw it already!). It made me miss the "frat house" quite terribly, actually. Everyone says it's good to "grow up and move on." I think it sucks.
8. My husband is super cute and made me dinner tonight.
9. I'm going to bed.
10. There is no number ten
11. This one goes to eleven...

When too much has gone on for me to connect with in an expedient fashion ... when I can't even group all the stimuli in my life into basic THEMES ... then I think it's time for a list... It won't be pretty. It will be even more non-specific. I can't handle anything but basic themes and innerworkings right now... too sleepy and filled with chagrin at my lack of discipline regarding a swift bedtime after my arrival home from a first time meeting.

( REAL TIME REALIZATIONS )

It is SO time to go to bed.

Good night, entire friends list. I know everyone on it now. Rather cool, a blessing, I think... "mixing it up ... loving every minute with this damn crew ..."

I yawn, and it is contagiously picked up by Domina, who reminded me in her kitty way to get in bed!

Okay, last post. Then I think I'm going to actually go downstairs and wait for people to arrive at the class

1. I HATE CLEANING! (well, this I knew already) so ...
REAL # 1.
1. Figuring out JUST what you want to do is an ongoing, unfinished, un-set in stone, difficult, challenging, and wonderful process.
2. Me stopping prayer when I had religious trouble was extremely counter-productive
3. When you live in a domicile with four felines, then at some point, something is just destined to get urinated on, and it's not my fault.
4. That I've become this online journal-er person, and that I'm not writing in my diary anymore. This is both good and bad.
5. That I've got to do something about the fact that I'm a couple of people's only friend.
6. My husband, mmcalli is SUPER SUPER COOL!
7. That people can change and surprise you, and that you can change too, against your wildest expectations.
8. That there are some really cool people out there that I haven't even met yet, and this means that my life will continue to be exciting - even though I'm almost 30.
9. Marriage and relationships work if you're honest and forthcoming and you talk about it. You can get through anything. Seriously.
10. That the only thing to do when you live inside your head is to get to know yourself.

the reason that I have not posted my old entry up here, maybe even with the thought of putting old journals backdated up here, is that I am afraid.

I'm scared.

That's it.

Rhetorical Questions?
1. Should anyone, ever, be exposed to the real you?
2. Would being totally completely honest dishonor your friends?
3. Would it hurt the feelings of God, or misrepresent him? A relevant question for me, for I'm concerned of this happening.
4. Would it get you into trouble with "other" people who might happen upon it?
5. Would it leave you naked? Especially pertinent if you are not the nudist colony type.
6. Would it make you delete your journal?

I thought this was going to be a different type of forum. I thought it was going to be distinct and separate. A Denise-news journal became a mood journal became a bitch session became something that may end of leaving me highly culpable... The shadows beckon.

I am a reactionary and a placating, yellow-bellied coward. These two are a dangerous combination. Should those I love be spared?

I feel sick and slightly psychotic. Self-harm, anyone? Nah, not today. I'll just get in bed and dream bloody dreams. A wise woman once said to never try to bleed more than you're bleeding already. But you probably didn't want to hear that.

The above title refers not to the title of the song I'm working on, but to
1. my circumstances arriving home
2. a lovely moment of amusement during a trivial pursuit game I REEKED at and reminded me of how stupid a collection of people in my life believed me to be at one time, and
3. how I am misunderstood by family, friends, and myself.

But here are my song lyrics. All I know today is that I'm touting myself as a musican. "They told me to go back to the beginning. This is where I am, and this is where I will stay. I am waiting for Vizzini ..."

I'm crazy. But ah, ( the song )

If you want to hear an old song that was rearranged and finished recently (2000), try Emily

I'm going to bed. Responses of great social, religious, and political import tomorrow. Maybe.

I don't have time to write much. So a little list, which is what my life basically is.
1. Things with Senior G seem to be resolving themselves, he actually put forth a little effort and things are improving
2. I have to deal with the fact that some people in my life are going to think that I caved on this.
3. I have to remember that I DIDN'T cave, and that I'm still solid as far as some musical decisions are made.
4. I did cave, and will be playing more pieces for more money. But I'm not going to make myself crazy.
5. I'm going to spend probably about 4 or 5 days in Houston after this week, before my in-laws come.
6. I'm still going to load my private journal entry up here with livejournal cut I'm using this as a reward system, and get to do this during a break today.

There ya go. What a lackluster entry.

I was thinking about today, and all that I have to do ... it makes me nervous. Here's a preliminary list - includes both want-to's and have-to's.

1. Refine my weekly budget and make some new lists about my life. Scheduling (yes, I'm very anal).
2. Practice solo and ensemble accompanying for about five or six hours.
3. Reconcile private journal and livejournal into same document, for posterity's sake (as I said, continually anal).
4. Go to lunch with Liz-O.
5. Schedule Saturday night class presentation turns for church. Email and print off copies of schedule.
6. Write a bad email which will protect misuse of my best recording and effectively sever a long and intense musical relationship ... probably forever.

(this song makes me sad. it hails from before Anchorheads - back to the days of 23/7)
(keep me in your thoughts and prayers. it's HARD to stand up for yourself, finally, after somewhere between six and fifteen years)

LIST OF DAILY TASKS - ABRIDGED (Pt2)
1. Get husband to stay home, yet again. Check
2. Spend whole morning crying off and on, about nothing. Check
3. Get silly phone calls from people insensitive to non-medicated and ironic mental state. Check
4. Continue crying. Check
5. Spend all day downloading cool, tiny pictures for use on future journal entries. Check
6. Download music. Check
7. Completely ignore concepts of eating and hygiene, allowing husband to take care of me. Check
8. Clean house.
9. Get phone calls done.
10. Act rude on the phone to good friends. Screen calls from other good friends. Ignore email. Neglect making calls of business nature that needed to be made today. Check, Check, Check, Check
11. Attend Bible class, completely phasing out of entire class, being surly to others, and mostly updating PDA. Check, Check, Check.
12. Bitch to husband. Check
13. Eat at IHOP. Cheer up moderately. Check, Chec-----k
14. Find undue significance in Gollum's Song from LOTR. Check
15. Update live journal with dry, boring, numb list. Ugh ... I mean, Check

Eggs, Pancakes, And Bacon ... 5.99 New Music Downloads ... free Crying all morning and wasting time ... $10-12 in lost productivity Carp-ily setting Johnny Depp straight and getting to call it an apology ... priceless.

LIST OF DAILY TASKS ... ABRIDGED
1. Let husband know I'm terribly depressed to the point to self-harm. Check
2. Take shower and brush teeth. Include deodorant and minimal maintenance shaving. Check
3. Read to get my mind off crushing depression. Check
4. Go to restaurant. Have self-absorbed conversation about past to gain insight into depressive-obsessive behavior. Check
5. Receive reminder about insular, self-absorbed nature of American post-youth. Check
6. Have conversation about neo-Roman world view contributing to this fact. Check
7. Clean around house.
8. Post bad, indelicate poetry on live journal re: the delicate balance between the Ethos of an Overstimulated Society vs. Simple Conviction. Check. Sort of.
9. Climb out of self to go and help someone who is experiencing real problems. Check
10. Realize that *I* have real problems and deserve to be validated on that point. Check
11. Work on neglected and mismanaged friendship by setting up new get-together time. Check
12. Renegotiation of daily tasks and good conversation with a mind toward sanity. Check
13. Cheer up brother. Check. Maybe...
14. Drive home. Mental over-analysis of Duran Duran song. Check
15. Post droll account of day's journey to, if not happiness, then at least a bare minimum of functionality. Check

Cigarettes - 2.00. Introspective meal at deli for two - @40.00 Gas - @4.00
Staying alive to enjoy future days - priceless...

1. I have lost JUST THE CAP to my palm-pilot pen. Grrrr.... When's the rest of it gonna go?
2. I have yet to leave Steve's apartment to go into the most exciting city in the world. It is now 12:25 PM
3. My email doesn't work. You can get me at theweaselofaquitaine@hotmail.com (just CC the old address!)
4. I don't understand the subway system

(okay, I'm REALLY going to leave soon)